Most Livable Asterisk: Pittsburgh and Places Rated

Several media outlets announced Saturday that they are revising their most recent evaluations of Pittsburgh as a "most livable city" after four people drowned in rain while driving on city streets on Friday.

Forbes reporter Francesca Levy, who wrote their 2011 report choosing Pittsburgh as the country's Most Livable City, posted a message on Twitter: "plan on revising Most-Livable report, adding 'deadly rain' as a ninth factor. Who knew?"

David Savageau, who has been compiling the "Places Rated Almanac" since 1981, posted on his blog: "I am flummoxed by the revelation that rainfall can be fatal in Pittsburgh - not on those magnificent three rivers or the fabulous bike trails, but on a paved city street?"

Savageau went on to say, "It can't be the nature of rain - it's been raining in American cities since at least the 1860's. Other cities at the top of the list - Seattle, San Francisco, Portland - these are all cities with frequent rain, a high quality of life, and they seem to be able to avoid rain fatalities. There must be something different in Pittsburgh. Maybe it's acid rain?"


The Economist Intelligence Unit -- which publishes numerous surveys and studies for paying clients -- has ranked Pittsburgh first in U.S. livability ratings since it started measuring them in 2005, said Jon Copestake, editor of the survey. "I daresay we're going to have to make an adjustment in light of the recent disclosure of deadly rainfall in the Pittsburgh metro area. For the time being, we're adding an asterisk to our results."

Key personnel at the Department of Public Works and the Department of Public Safety were not available for comment; they were working weekend overtime on location for "Dark Knight Rising", which is a key distraction from the city's problems strategic initiative of the Ravenstahl administration.

Mayoral spokesperson Joanna Doven commented via text message early Sunday morning: "Mayor attributes problem to Council's budget obsession; Home Rule charter may not assign responsibility for rainfall, action by Legislature may be needed".

Closer to home, AccuWeather reports that Monday, August 29th has a 60% chance of rain and thunderstorms.

Pittsburgh's Office of Emergency Management reports that they intend to get in front of the situation by pre-positioning teams of grief counselors in pontoon boats parked on trailers in the vicinity of Washington Blvd and Allegheny River Blvd.

In order to gain an understanding of what future unfortunate citizens may experience during the rain, Team Ravenstahl is arranging a field trip to Ohiopyle and they will convey their experiences and emotions to the GCT (grief counseling team).

Jane Orie [SATIRE]

Jane Orie's medical team announced an unexpected press conference at Thursday evening, on the topic "to discuss State Senator Jane Orie's medical condition". Although the somewhat vague description invited speculation, all those present were surprised by the blockbuster announcement.



Dr. Cyril Wecht, world-famous medical forensics expert, began to speak. "I have been treating Jane Orie, along with a team of specialists, for an unusual phenomenon. Senator Orie has been suffering from an unusual compartmental compression issue in the parietal lobes of her brain, in both hemispheres."


The noted physician showed several slides identifying the affected region, located just behind the ears on both sides of the cranium. Then he said, "Take a look at these two initial pictures of the patient; she seems relaxed, rested, and fairly pleasant. The area around the eyes seems relaxed and normally roundish, as we'd expect.

Dr. Wecht said, "One of our medical students found this photo on Jane's facebook page and brought it to our attention. It looks like the first photo we have that shows the early signs of deterioration." Jane Orie, who had been sitting silently the whole while, said, "I just needed to go from flat to fabulous, if you know what I mean." The reporters in the room didn't know what she meant by that and started shifting uncomfortably in the quiet room.

Dr. Wecht said, "The continuation of slides in chronological order seems to show a progressive swelling of the brain; the head actually looks bigger and bigger in the back, the eyebrows become more pronounced, the face looks more distressed."


"What I'd like you to notice", he said, "is the apparent edema of the brain coupled with increasing inability to keep her fingers straight, they seem to keep curling up. Also the mouth is changing, it seems more tightened, almost feral, as opposed to the initial wide, natural smile. These indications led us down a neurological path that turned out to be a red herring.


Dr. Wecht said, "In these next photos we see that the condition progresses. The size of the head, the tension around the occipital lobes, the evident stress, more twitching in the jaw. Something was progressing in there and we couldn't tell what it was. The literature was of no help.

The doctor smiled. "Then we got our big break, and I have to tell you it wasn't me. A medical student approaches me on a weekend during the criminal trial and says, 'Cyril, I can't tell you why, just give me ten minutes with Jane. Trust me.' So I figured, why not?"

"So the young doctor goes in there, I hear muffled voices, and then a short cry like from a pain so I'm about to open the door when all of a sudden I hear laughter, Jane is laughing and she hasn't laughed for months. Let me show you this picture of what Jane looked like going into Court that next Monday morning."

"As you can see, the head is of normal size and shape again, the tension around the eyes and jaw is gone, and although she looks quite tired from her ordeal she's behaving much more like her old self again. You could balance a beer can on that cranium. And we owe the solution to our young colleague, Annie Bratton."

All eyes turned to the young woman, who leaned nervously toward the microphone. "I kept hearing Sen. Orie mumble to herself, 'flat to fabulous', over and over, and when I saw her car had custom license plates "FLAT2FAB", it had to mean something. So I Googled it, and when I typed in 'flat to fabulous' I knew I had the solution on my screen."

Bratton clicked her computer and a website image filled the screen. "Flat to Fabulous", she said, is the advertising tagline for a website called BumpIt.com, which is owned by Big Happy Hair Inc. She took a few plastic clips out of a bag and showed them to reporters. "A BumpIt is a plastic clip that clings tightly to a woman's head and produces an artificial bump of hair, making her seem taller and her hair seem to have more volume."

"When I went in to see Senator Orie, I explained to Jane that I knew she wore a BumpIt and I asked her to take it off. I suspected the BumpIt she was wearing was way too small for her head. We had a tough time getting it off, she even yelled out a bit, but as soon as it popped off, she felt immediate relief from her symptoms."

Dr. Wecht spoke again, "We've looked into this. The BumpIt factory has recently relocated to Mexico, and what was once a size-12 BumpIt in the United States became a 12-centimeter BumpIt at the Mexican plant, and that change to metric units was the source of the whole problem. Senator Jane Orie's strained physical condition, her changed behavioral patterns, her headaches and inattention to detail, they were all caused by a mixup with the metric BumpIt - a direct consequence of NAFTA and the One-Worlders' decision to embrace European standards. Nobody's suggesting that they intended to do this to Senator Jane Orie, at least not so far. I'm just saying, there's a cause and an effect. No court would consider her responsible for her actions while she had all that trauma going on. Jane Orie has been injured, and now she is cured."

Senator Jane Orie's lawyer spoke for the first time. "Given this evidence, and Dr. Wecht's eminent expertise, we feel confident that a motion for judicial review will be granted, and we expect Senator Jane Orie to be exonerated on the basis of her medical condition. We're also considering our position regarding the liability and responsibility borne by the Big Happy Hair corporation, as well as TV Guide which carried their advertisement".

And so it goes.

(more)

Jane Orie - Victim of BumpIt Metric Mixup

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It is now here.

Conflict Kitchen Considering Wisconsin Menu?

Pittsburgh's Conflict Kitchen, a takeout lunch shop located at Baum Boulevard and Highland Avenue in East Liberty, specializes in raising public consciousness by cooking and selling the lunch food of a culture or society that the United States is in conflict with.

"Our root concept is that we should understand the people and culture that our government is fighting with", said spokeswoman Dorothy Arnold, "and one of the best ways to really get a taste of a culture is to eat their sort of food, prepared in their own way".

The first iteration of Conflict Kitchen was Kubideh Kitchen, an Iranian take-out restaurant that served kubideh in freshly baked barbari bread with onion, mint, and basil.


The second iteration of Conflict Kitchen was Bolani Pazi, an Afghan take-out restaurant that serves a savory homemade afghan turnover filled with either pumpkin, spinach, lentils, or potatoes and leeks.

The Conflict Kitchen has received national media attention for making a political statement while running a profitable business. Coverage has included ABC News, Fast Company, NPR, PBS, and Salon.


Greg Packer, a software engineer enjoying lunch at the stand said, "At these prices nobody's getting rich here, but it seems like they're keeping the electric and water bills paid for on their own, and I like that".

After introducing Iranian and Afghani food traditions to Pittsburgh, Dorothy Arnold said she began considering what conflict to focus on next. "I came to realize, why are we only focusing on international conflicts? Why can't we take a turn at an internal American conflict?" And the concept for the next update of Conflict Kitchen was born.

"We've decided to focus on a war we're waging within America", Arnold said, "where union workers in the state of Wisconsin are having their rights taken away, their livelihoods diminished, and the economic status changed to something like indentured servitude".

The next iteration of Conflict Kitchen will focus on the indigenous foods of Wisconsin, which Arnold identified as "Milk and cheese, a choice of a fish broil platter or a bratwurst platter, and for desert either Kringles or pasty's".

Greg Packer, the software engineer eating his lunch, said "I'd love to have food like that to eat, real comfort food. Knowing that they like fish and brats and special pastries makes those people in Wisconsin seem a lot more human than what I see in the protests on the news. Makes me wonder why we're declaring war on them all of a sudden".

CONFLICT KITCHEN is currently open on Saturday and Sundays from 10am to 2pm. They will be open 7 days a week starting on April 4th. website: conflictkitchen.org

Artist conception of Conflict Kitchen with Wisconsin Theme

Luke Ravenstahl Signature Asset

Interesting article in the Pittsburgh paper today about a new vision statement, actually written by Mayor Luke Ravenstahl Himself.

It must have been written by Luke Ravenstahl, because he actually signed it:

Welcome to the future of Pittsburgh's Allegheny Riverfront! On this website you'll find the vision plan that represents the efforts of hundreds of neighborhood stakeholders working together to create a market-based vision for the future of the Allegheny Riverfront.

Pittsburgh's rivers rank among our greatest assets. The Allegheny Riverfront represents an incredible opportunity for our city to create a green, regenerative riverfront corridor which will serve not only as an asset for existing residents, but as an international model of sustainable riverfront development that will create jobs and further enhance Pittsburgh's reputation as "Most Livable City."

You can analyze text for repeated words to help discern what the writer is interested in. These words are used more than once:

• riverfront (4)
• asset (2)
• future (2)
• vision (2)

So I think Luke's "future vision" is about "riverfront assets", which makes sense now that the parking thing is over.

I know what you're thinking, or at least what you're probably thinking if you're the average Wifi-sniffing knowier-than-thou blog reader type - Hey, Luke Ravenstahl didn't write that! Luke Ravenstahl is the mayor, he's not a writer! To people like you I say, Oh No, Dear Reader - Luke wouldn't affix his good name and signature so prominently on something he didn't play a big part in writing.

If he signed it, he wrote it. That's the way they roll at North Catholic, Mercyhurst College, the University of Pittsburgh, and Washington and Jefferson College. Hardest twelve years of Luke's life.

When I read the document and see that it's a plan to transfer parcels of decroted land to developers and other cool guys who will turn them into regenerative assets and then resell them to other cool market-based guys, I can only say: That's the sort of thing that Our Mayor Luke Ravenstahl is all about. And if it takes tax incentives to induce those guys to take our vacant riverfront assets, then Luke will do what it takes.

I'm only concerned about the risk that Luke Ravenstahl is taking. He's taking one for the team -- by which I mean he's putting his own signature on the web, and in eye-catching full color, no less. It's much nicer than the low-res, black-white thing that's already online. It's like, Luke's Signature 2.0

In the current environment, where nasty subversive anarchists make up scurrilous press releases that look good but have the wrong words on them, it's pretty risky putting an image of your signature on the web. Most people wouldn't do that, or they'd do some technomage CMU-type stuff to protect it.

But not our gutsy Mayor Luke Ravenstahl. He's willing to take risks to make us stronger. That's why I'm sure he wrote this vision statement himself; if his loyal and effective staff was involved, there's no way those professionals would let him put his signature image on teh web.

I really hope that this doesn't come up in the future. I'd hate to see this image abused by a malcontent, or used on another fake press release announcing something silly like justice for Jordan Miles.

I'd especially hate it if people started linking to this URL:
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ0ukZEgAgEG7bRvl66am7Yy6BXRMfDHsjnWKT74zpEZk2GEN-qYqPd7Gv_C_dysZlAa7QW6Y9HgI75ZJmNktYB83-gvYreIUMKQEWfmY53P3OkLjDKut-204pFV0QCLMZMD4D/s1600/luke-ravenstahl.jpg
using TITLE or ALT text that says, 'Luke Ravenstahl'.

Because then whenever those anarchists search Google Images for 'Luke Ravenstahl', they'll find his full-color high-res signature -- and that would be a tragedy. Or, as Luke Himself would say, The potential downside of future misuse of this signature asset would be regenerative waterfront.

Historian Rebuilds First Bicycle; Original Inventor Killed by Ÿagoff Pintek

From Metro.com.uk comes news that Chinese historian Xu Quan Long has found ancient plans of the first bicycle and has rebuilt a working model.

Previously, the earliest known example of a bicycle was the wooden 'velocipede' invented by German engineer Baron Karl von Drais in 1817. It wasn't until the development of metal-framed 'boneshakers' in France in the 1860s that bicycling began to achieve popularity.

Xu Quan Long said he stumbled across the drawings while studying the works of legendary ancient Chinese inventor Lǔ Bān (魯班), who was born more than 2,500 years ago. He then recreated the original design using materials available at that time.

---

Xu Quan Long said that Lǔ Bān's notes regarding the bicycle were unfinished. Other documents writted by Lǔ Bān's students in the same year suggest that he was actually killed while riding his bicycle. Lǔ Bān was struck from behind by a horse-drawn carriage driven by a "blue eyed devil" named Ÿagoff K. Pintek, who later wrote in his own journal that he (Pintek) had just invented a game called "bump the biker".

Even 2500 years ago, Ÿagoff K. Pintek's actions were so egregious that his name became a byword for boorish behavior. According to Wikipedia, as his infamy spread the Chinese were unable to pronounce his unusual first name and they settled on Jagoff. Chinese literature from that time is replete with comments like, "don't be a such a Jagoff, one Pintek is too many". Graffiti found at the site of the terra cotta warriors in Shaanxi Province has been translated as saying, "your ancestors are Jagoffs". His legacy is memorialized in modern times by the use of his name as a pejorative reference.

Jagoff Pintek's direct descendent, Mike Pintek, is a disk jockey and talk-radio personality who was recently noted in Pittsburgh for expressing his own desires to bump and/or frighten bicyclists. Although (Mike) Pintek later acknowledged that "mistakes were made", he has not apologized, retracted, or corrected his outrageous comments.

An apology sounds like this: I said insert actual comment here. I shouldn't have. I was wrong. I am sorry. I apologize. I will not do it again.

An apology does not sound like this: Did I say things that weren't smart? Sure. Did some people take offense? Yes. But what I meant to say was insert something completely different here.

He's making the old Ÿagoff proud.

Big Ben's Blog and #1 Cochran

Some things you just can't make up.

I was wondering, does The Ben have a blog? Turns out he has a few. An early Ben Blog is benroethlisberger.typepad.com/. It looks like a very nice blog.


That early blog explains that he's moved to a more professional site, BIGBEN7.com. Just in case that web server goes awry, the masthead looks like this:



Where does one begin? With the advertising, of course. I saw this image (to the right) on BIGBEN7.com and clicked on it. Boy, I bet those guys at #1 Cochran are real happy about all the "earned media" and extra publicity they're getting out of recent events.

I'm sure that right now, the marketing and the web guy at #1 Cochran are just patting each other on the back and tweeting "who's the man! I've gone viral" to their friends and followers. And look: they've got the #1 Cochran logo in there not once, but twice, and painted red so it stands out.

So I thought to myself, hey there's a URL on that ad, so I clicked on it, and went to BIG BEN TRUCKS.COM, and it's true; you really can't make this stuff up.



Somebody more talented than I am (and they're legion) will be able to effectively Photoshop some people into that blank cutout next to The Ben. There's probably some funny juxtapositions to be had. I'm thinking maybe Terry O'Neill, President of the National Organization for Women, for starters.

Then maybe Mr. Rooney, who conveniently left it to the League to determine the response. He justified his abdication of responsibility by blaming the player's complex union contract. Not a lot of moral cred or leadership there. Not a lot of questions from the media, either.

Who else might be eager to be photoshopped with Ben, who can't appear with him because of scheduling problems? I know: we could put Mr. #1 Cochran in there, I'm sure there's a picture of him on the web.

Feel free to submit other recommendations for Pix With Ben.

I went back to BigBen7.com and clicked the News tab, and I found this image (to the right). Looks like the special edition pickup truck has Ben's signature painted on it! Golly those guys at #1 Cochran are sure lucky. I guess that's why they're #1.

I bet those trucks really hold their value.

What surprised me, is that I would think that #1 Cochran wants to sell vehicles to women. (51% of the market, and all that) Even if trucks are mostly purchased by men (I'm not sure of that), they're probably making a financial decision with their significant other.

Why would #1 Cochran want to be affiliated with Big Ben?

I can't figure out their angle, but they're obviously very smart guys who are experts at what they're doing.

TLC Fills Time Slot With Two New Shows

New York: Discovery Channel's TLC department announced that they've filled the void left in the schedule by the Gosselin debacle. The valuable time slot, originally used for Jon and Kate Plus Eight and more recently used for Just Kate Plus Eight, has been left without dedicated programming since Jon Gosselin requested a suspension of filming involving the children.

For the duration of this year's schedule, TLC will use that timeslot to present two shows on alternating weeks- one focusing on the mixture of celebrities and athletes, and the other dealing with managing complex modern relationships.

The first show will be "Tiger: In, In Three" focusing on golf superstar Tiger Woods' remarkable prowess on the links. This show will feature Tiger playing golf with a variety of celebrities at their own hometown golf course, and in each show Tiger will attempt to complete a par-5 hole using only three shots. Celebrities initially slated to golf along with Tiger include Eliot Spitzer playing New York's Bethpage Black golf course, SC Governor Mark Sanford playing on Kiawah Island's Ocean Course, and Jon Gosselin playing at the Emirates Golf Club in Dubai.


The second show will be: "Tiger Woods Plus Eight or Nine", a semi-documentary presenting how Tiger manages to juggle the relationships, schedules, and contact information of a coterie of hostesses, waitresses, and nightclub executives. In each show the credibility of one of the ingenue's claims on Tiger will be challenged, and she'll be voted on-or-off-the-show by the television audience. Behind-the-scenes cuts will include interviews with efficiency experts and technologists explaining how Tiger uses all the tools to stay up-to-date 24x7. Sidebars will include Twitter excerpts, email logs, downloads from Tiger's GPS, and results of Google image searches.

"We thought of replacing Jon and Kate with another superfamily, and we were thinking of this as an opportunity to upgrade to a size-10 or size-12 family - we flirted with another Table for Twelve- but at the end of the day, we decided to take a new path consistent with our target audience of puerile 18-to-26 year old males", said Laurie Goldberg, TLC spokeperson. "I mean, look at Eighteen Kids and Counting, when they arrive it looks like a clown car at the circus."