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March 07, 2011

Newt Gingrich Running Mate

Newt Gingrich's running mate for the 2012 election was announced from his campaign exploration headquarters in Buckhead, Georgia late Sunday evening.

"If we're going to help fix what's wrong with America, we're going to have to be ready to go on Day One", the former Speaker of the House said to applause at a meeting of key supporters from Fortune 500 companies.

"I am very pleased to announce my 2012 running mate. The guiding principle I've followed is that I want somebody, first who's got a moral compass aligned as my own is, and second I want a leader as capable of defending MAWKI (marriage-as-we-know-it) as I am myself.

"There are other considerations. I believe we need somebody who can evoke the charisma and common touch of Ronald Reagan, may God rest His soul, and I believe the country needs a Vice-President who is ready to demonstrate the leadership we saw during the Bush41 and Bush43 terms."

My running mate, and if the people decide to put their faith in us as I dearly hope they will, our next Vice President has been an union actor who played a variety of classic American roles, including a ballplayer
*
, a pilot
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, a young infantryman
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, a financier
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, a freedom fighter
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, and a special-ops expert
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.

Not only has he played more active American roles than Ronald Reagan ever dreamed of, having been born with the given name Carlos Estévez he also represents a new force of diversity in the Vice President's office. Interestingly, you may know that I was born with the given name Newton Leroy McPherson, and I changed that, too, so there's another thing we have in common.

Also, we are both independent of the Pentagon, since neither of us has any military experience. His focus on the West Coast will provide a geographic balance to our ticket, and a welcome out-of-the-beltway perspective.

Again like Dubya, he has gone into the his father's business but has chosen his own unique path. He does have a reputation as a youthful hellion, but to me that just strengthens my own bond with the man. Just like Dubya, my running mate's father has presidential experience. Between his work in Hollywood and his family background, this public servant embodies the best of both the Reagan and Bush presidencies.

Just two more things to mention, and then I'll wrap it up. Nobody that I can think of mirrors my own feelings about marriage as well as my running mate. He is a deeply religious man; he pursues a different faith than I do, he worships two Goddesses, but he is earnest about it and we are a big tent, my friends, and besides it's not like he's a Mormon or anything.

Finally, perhaps the most significant factor in my selection has been the advice of my wife, Jackie   Marianne   Calista. Calista has told me, in no uncertain terms, that she wants this man to be close by our side as we move forward into the American future we're creating.

Without further ado, I give you my running mate for the 2012 Presidential Campaign, Charlie Sheen. That is, if I decide to run. Enough said; our website has been updated to reflect my VP selection.

Unfortunately, my running mate Charlie Sheen is offsite at an undisclosed location, as he will be whenever I'm appearing in public. It's going to be that way after the election, so we're getting used to it right now.

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